MEDITATION INTENTIONS:
What parts of Self am I holding onto?
I give permission tonight for everything to burn that is not necessary in the new world.
I digest the past, enjoy the memories and live in gratitude for the lessons.
I am a light being, a being of light.
Ego is the solidified projection of Me into the world based on decisions I make following actions and thought-actions; decisions about who I am and what shape is required from it in order to express the soul into 'being' in a perceptible way.
-Here we can consider 'mass changes in perception'.
*Are* we having a full-planet transformation in consciousness or am I altering my social position so that I increasingly *only* see the reflection of my own changes in conscious perception? [The same amount of value is to be had in either explanation.]
(How are History and Personal Development interwoven?)
This precept is based on a flaw:
"only seeing the reflection of my own changes in conscious perception."
I had a "bout of action" yesterday. A party. A 'social event'.
'Was it worth it?'
That's the question.
'Am I pretending it was worth it in order to quench the thirst of the bloodsucking demons placed around me by perceived expectation?'
[The truth is it was worth it. Of course it was.]
"I always think people are expecting things from me."
Is this projection?
Or do people look at me like they're expecting things from me?
What do I mean by 'things'?
to act right,
to behave in a way that doesn't need to be punished.
[Inner Child ENTERS, sits.]
Even writing this, I'm desperate to get out ahead of the prose.
Why do you suppose you want to say that you feel this from people?
So that they can alter their behaviours for you to feel more comfortable?
No. Not at all.
I can't do anything about other people's behaviours.
Sometimes, people make me feel so sad from how they can't connect with me.
[Child comforts.]
This will *always* be framed by others as me not being able to connect with them.
Nobody has *ever* thought this about me, swear down.
People find me engaging and "charming" when I go into situations feeling safe, nourished and 'switched on'. (There's a button underneath the belly fat, ladies. Ew. That literally sounds like I'm talking about The Clitoris. That's not it. It's the sacral. You can get to the power-button of the sacral by touching your stomach really deep into your belly fat, or under the "flap" lol. There's something about the way our bellies 'were shamed', right?, were shunned from the imagination like, I can't be the only one who looks in the mirror and sort of fuzzes out the imperfections of the silhouette. That's why we all like drag queens, isn't it?)
Readers must understand that I do not have the intellectual capacity to read back what I have written and judge whether it is 'deemable' [not a word; doesn't work as a new one.]. I must 'release the transmission' as I am duty-bound. Improv Forever. No Pretending.
If you're the Princess in the playground game, *be* the Princess!
Don't *pretend* to be the Princess!
You're lying!
That means Princesses aren't real!
That's essentially what good acting is, isn't it, I believe I was judging it in the playground.
I say 'good acting', I actually think there's a bunch of schools of 'good acting' that are totally different from one another and totally valid as long as the actors are all following the same technique. FLAW!
FLAW!
Or, question?
'Do actors need to be following the same technique as each other if they're in a scene together?'
Follow-up:
'Do you think the actors in the Godfather were following the same, sort of, instructions from Coppola?'
'How did Coppola engage with 'his actors'?'
This is my new research quest!
I shall embark on it tomorrow.
It's sort of ongoing, isn't it, 'how do directors engage with actors?'
Juicy, could go on forever, that research. That's a PhD I could commit to, at the right time.
But do I have an answer about how I engage with actors? I ought to.
Okay.
I watch them act the scene, off-script. They have to be off-script. That's not true, I have watched some people's auditions where they were on-script [on-book, or whatever] and I still pored over them, wondering whether I could pull out certain qualities I was seeing that were part of the character's purpose.
"Can I see the character in this person?"
"What if this character was like this person?"
The next thing to do is to get the person to stop pretending.
To learn their lines, then learn them well enough that they're not pretending- also to lead them over the hump where they learn their lines and go back to pretending. It's about setting up and maintaining that human, truthful connection with them, everyone feeling safe, nurtured and appropriately challenged enough to bring the holy spirit to the set, or the stage.
Crew need to do this as well.
Everybody needs to stop pretending.
Everybody is safe to stop pretending.
Safe to take our masks off, and be in a room together at full personal power, collected together to make the shit out of a movie.
"MaKIN' a fILM!"
-Rory McIntyre
I feel it's important to cite Lynn Ramsay and Alice Rowracher and Andrea Arnold as earlyish influences. [Ages 18-22]
Yes. That's another rule, moving forward. They are not references, they are influences. Well, they're influences that then become references.
I cannot play 'reference' with something I haven't developed a memory-based experiential relationship with. Does that make sense? Probably not.
Don't dig a hole.
The strength in posture becomes important when other energies enter the space. I can see that this is probably a flaw, but I am in the becoming as a person with sturdy "boundaries" and better spiritual protection, so there is a sense of 'the light' fighting to make room in my consciousness, grabbing the attention back to it, glowing hard out from the centre, when the attention is challenged by the appearance of an apparently hostile energy.
Hostile!
Seriously, it feels that way. The way people want shit from you emotionally because they can't self-regulate.
Like I'm sitting here, waiting to have a conversation with them.
Ugh.
Get *off*.
Making me want to be quiet, like I'm being too loud, then they go ahead and bang bang bang something and cling-clang something or turn on electronic sounds
Just ugh.
I want to be in the trees. I want to hear droplets of rainfall on leaves inches above my head as I lay back in the blue light from my funky lamps and listen to pretty music through speakers in the walls.
Do you know why I loved Miss Copley?
Because she told us to design our Dream House, and she rewarded the most outlandish creativity more highly than *anything* else.
One girl wrote a story about "Pen Island" and Miss Copley praised the poetry with an open heart- "Pen Island! What symbolic significance!"- before realising it was a dick joke and she was getting the piss taken out of her. Miss Jean fuckin' Brodie. As well- she found the crash back to Earth *funny*! That's why she told us the story!
Just, such an open heart.
One time, I spotted a spelling mistake on one of the posters she had stapled to the wall (the 'achievement boards'- display boards), then I followed the sentences on the poster and found more and more mistakes and thought it only professional of me that I should point these out to Miss Copley when she came by, and question her choice to put such a disaster up on the achievement board.
With great sincerity, she sighed, and put both her hands on the table, looking level at the poster.
"yeah," she said. "Do you think I shouldn't have put it up?"
Stunned at the level of trust this adult was sharing with me, I looked level at the poster, apparently with brand new eyes.
Then Miss Copley said, "it's just he's had so much trouble, and this is a really complete piece of work, for him" or something like that. It was amazing. A window into the mind of a teacher. So many things clicked into place about the ways I had learned about the world, just from being encouraged to look at the world the way Miss Copley saw it. From there, I began to see the web of goodness in all the other teachers. All of them were good people, even if I didn't always agree with them.
Early on, I feel like teachers told me off for disagreeing with them.
-Folding the butterfly painting in half at nursery.
"But my mum lets me do it at home?"
"Well you're not AT home."
MY THOUGHTS, AGE 5: "No, what I mean is, this is an educational practice. It helps me to balance my perception of truth and the mess is harmless. The positive consequences far outweigh the negative. I would therefore like to smoosh the butterfly, if you'll reconsider giving me permission."
I think the brush was physically removed from my hand.
Torment.
[The next story is one I've told too many times this year so this is the end of the blog post.
Goodnight X]
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